


These words are knives and often leave scars (the fear of falling apart)

by artsyleo



Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Acceptance, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Ben Mitchell Loves Callum "Halfway" Highway, Canon Compliant, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, I Love You, M/M, Nightmares, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-24
Updated: 2020-02-24
Packaged: 2021-02-27 22:49:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,645
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22883581
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/artsyleo/pseuds/artsyleo
Summary: Ben knew that there was something going on. The flinching at every loud noise; the avoidance of any conversation about the army; the nights spent tossing and turning through a fitful sleep. He'd tried to broach the subject with Callum, but every time he had, the other man had turned it back on Ben's own past, and the conversation was over. As much as Callum was an open book, about most things, the army was not one. It had only ever come up a few times, and only ever brought up by someone else, the topic quickly changed by Callum. He wished to talk to him about it - help his boyfriend for once, instead of the other way around. But he couldn't exactly preach openness, when he refused Callum knowledge of his own past. This, though, he knew it was serious - one day, it would all come to light, in a bad way.-Or, Callum Highway has PTSD and Ben just wants to help.
Relationships: Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell
Comments: 6
Kudos: 66





	These words are knives and often leave scars (the fear of falling apart)

**Author's Note:**

> There's lots of mentions of PTSD in this, so just be careful. Also, if you're really behind on Eastenders, this is kind of spoiler-y. This was the result of me missing Anniversary week, so it's kinda canon compliant till before that  
> -  
> title from This Is Gospel by P!ATD which strangely goes really well with this fic.

Ben knew that there was something going on. The flinching at every loud noise; the avoidance of any conversation about the army; the nights spent tossing and turning through a fitful sleep. He'd tried to broach the subject with Callum, but every time he had, the other man had turned it back on Ben's own past, and the conversation was over. As much as Callum was an open book, about most things, the army was not one. It had only ever come up a few times, and only ever brought up by someone else, the topic quickly changed by Callum. He wished to talk to him about it - help his boyfriend for once, instead of the other way around. But he couldn't exactly preach openness, when he refused Callum knowledge of his own past. This, though, he knew it was serious - one day, it would all come to light, in a bad way.  
-  
Strangely, Callum was nervous. He'd even attempted to dress up nicely, not that Ben was complaining, and was stood at the mirror, fixing his collar. It was almost a mirror image of the day of the assessment, apart from the bruises that lay across his cheekbone. The black eye had faded a couple of days ago, just leaving the scabs and bruises across his cheek. Cracked ribs hid under his shirt, his chest marred by purple bruises. They were like a constant reminder of what Ben had done - the damage that his actions had done to his boyfriend. But he pushed that from his mind - today wasn't about him, it was about Callum. Mick had been nagging them to meet for a meal since the two of them had gotten together, especially after the whole ordeal with Keanu. Everyone has been worried when word got out about what happened, particularly Mick. It made Ben smile, Mick's undying fatherly love for Callum, how Callum had become an honorary Carter. He'd been welcomed with open arms into a family that loved him, no matter what. Callum and Mick's relationship was one that Ben secretly envied - through all their fights, Mick still loved Callum like his own. He was even beginning to warm to Ben, once he had figured that he wasn't about to break Callum's heart - he did have a reputation after all.  
"Well, don't you look dapper." Ben grinned, coming up and taking Callum by the waist and looking at the two of them in the mirror. Callum just smiled, the telltale beginnings of a blush creeping up his cheeks, but said nothing, more concerned with fiddling with his collar.  
"Why the long face, ey?" Ben asked.  
Callum sighed. "Is it weird that I'm nervous?"  
"A little, but you're nothing if not unconventional, babe."  
Callum grinned and poked Ben in the side.  
"You ain't got nothing to be nervous about. They love you. Mick's been chewin' my ear off for weeks about this bloody meal, they really want to see you."  
"I know I just- it's different ain't it? It might as well be introducing the boyfriend to my parents."  
They both smiled at the word 'boyfriend'. After everything, it felt so right.  
"You got no problem, babe. I'm a natural charmer, me, they'll love me."  
"Natural charmer? First I've heard of it."  
"Oi! Got you into bed, didn't I?"  
Callum smiled and pressed his lips to Ben's. He couldn't help but notice that his eyes were missing the usual sparkle.  
-  
"'Alfway! Come 'ere, let me look at you, my son!"  
Mick was stood behind the bar when they walked in, his eyes immediately clapping on the two of them when they walked into the door. Ben couldn't help but notice the eyes that now drifted to them, particularly Callum. He was one of those people that everyone had a soft spot for, and Ben, well, he wasn't - as they say, opposites attract. So when news got round about the incident, the whole square was asking how he was. He sensed Callum looking nervously around at the people now whispering at tables around them. He had never really been one for being at the centre of attention. Ben took his hand and squeezed it, before turning him towards Mick.  
"Evenin' Mick." Callum smiled, sounding happier than was portrayed on his face. Mick came round the bar quickly, coming in for a tight hug before Ben could warn him about Callum's injuries. He quickly recoiled from the embrace, holding his side with a sharp intake of air. Mick looked panicked towards Ben, who quickly came to Callum's side.  
"I'm fine, it's fine, just- caught on a bruise," Callum gasped, attempting to smile up at Mick, who still looked like he'd just shot the queen. "Honestly, it's fine. It's good to see ya, Mick."  
"Good to have ya back on your pegs, lad," Mick smiled back at him, patting his shoulder gently. "Evenin' Ben! How's the princess?"  
"Not too bad thanks," Ben replied, his focus still on Callum's grimace.  
"Well, uh, littlun's upstairs, why don't you two head on up and I'll grab the wife."  
-  
"Are you sure you're okay, babe? I've got some painkillers if-"  
"Honestly, Ben, I'm fine! Just caught me by surprise, is all," Callum smiled back at Ben as they climbed up the stairs, Callum trying his best to disguise his discomfort.  
"Halfwit! Not tripped over your own pins yet, then?" Shirley cackled from the top of the stairs, before a small face poked around the corner, holding on to Shirley's leg.  
"Shouldn't you be in bed, Olly?"  
Callum immediately straightened up at that, masking the evident discomfort for the benefit of the little boy now watching them avidly.  
"Hey, buddy!" Callum clambered up the rest of the stairs to say hello to the little boy, who muttered some semblance of 'uncle callum!' and waved happily at him, before taking his hand and dragging him to the other room. Ben walked up the rest of the stairs, giving Shirley a curt nod as he passed.  
-  
"Good with kids, in't he?" Mick asked from behind Ben, who was now watching wistfully as Callum listened intently to Olly babbling about the clock in his hand.  
"Good with people, really," Ben responded.  
"You're right there."  
Callum's disguised gasp of pain brought both men around to what was happening in the other room. Callum was now crouched down to Olly's level, and the small boy's hand was touching Callum's bruised cheek inquisitively.  
"Olly-"  
"He's alright, Mick," Callum whispered, and took Olly's hand gently away from his cheek, turning back to the boy. "Just me being silly, buddy, nothing to worry about. I just- had a bit of a fall, and got a bit hurt, okay?"  
Carefully, Olly took his hand away from Callum's, and pressed it to his own lips, then gently to just below Callum's bruise.  
"Better now," he whispered, and Callum smiled back at him.  
"Better now, buddy."  
If only it was that easy.  
"Good boy, Olly," Mick smiled from the doorway, a proud look on his face. "Come on now, little man, time for bed."  
(A. N. I fully believe that Olly and Callum actually get along really well, and that Olly is the cutest lil bean ever)  
-  
"He ain't been sleeping, 'as he?"  
Callum and Ben now sat, close together, on the Carter's sofa, with full stomachs. Callum's eyes had been closed for a suspiciously long time, his head snuggled into Ben's neck, but Ben made no move to wake him - the past few nights, as Mick said, he'd barely been sleeping. Ben would wake up in the morning to find him passed out on the sofa, the TV displaying some sort of documentary on pause (something that Ben couldn't tolerate but Callum loved). When Ben asked him about it, he claimed it was just the pain, or the meds, or anything else.  
"Not too well, really," Ben replied softly, so as not to disturb the sleeping man on his shoulder.  
Mick nodded solemnly. "Remember Whit sayin' the same after he came back from his last tour, when 'e was injured."  
"Injured?" Ben asked.  
"He didn't say? Hit by shrapnel savin' some kids. Must 'ave a scar on his chest, I reckon," Mick replied, a look of quiet pride on his face.  
It all made sense now. Ben had seen the scar before, whilst they'd been in bed together, but Callum had brushed it off as just a clumsy accident in his youth, which, knowing Callum, was not an unlikely story.  
"He doesn't like to talk about the army," Ben sighed.  
"They never do, do they?"  
Before Ben could ask what he meant by that, Callum shifted on his shoulder and let out a small whimper. Ben frowned, bringing his hand to stroke gently through Callum's hair, but he didn't settle. His head pressed further into Ben's neck, and he muttered "no- n-no please".  
"Ben? What is it?" Mick asked, worry evident in his voice.  
"Cal?" Ben called, shifting so that he could take Callum's hand, which was now shaking. "Babe, wake up, come on."  
"K-Keanu please, I just-"  
At that, Ben's heart skipped a beat. Keanu. Callum was having a nightmare about Keanu. Not only had he left physical scars on Ben's boyfriend, but he'd left him terrified too.  
"Callum, it's okay, you're not there anymore, just- just wake up for me, okay?"  
"No! N-no pl-please-" Callum shouted, shaking in his sleep before he jolted awake, not before a cry of pain, his breaths coming heavily. He leant forward on the sofa, his head in his hands. Ben shifted so that he sat just in front of Callum, stroking his shoulder gently. Eventually, his breathing began to slow, but Ben wasn't comforted - how often had he dealt with this on his own, shaking himself awake in their own bed, while Ben slept soundly, unaware, next to him? Once Callum's breathing had begun to calm down, he shakily took his head from his hands. His eyes looked tired, his face stuck in a grimace, presumably from the pain in his ribs, the bruises on his cheek only serving to make him look even more broken. His eyes widened when he saw Ben knelt in front of him, an embarrassed blush climbing up his cheeks, but his attention was caught when Mick coughed from the other side of the room.  
Mick. He'd forgotten the other man was even there, his attention so focused on Callum.  
Callum looked mortified, and stood up all too quickly on shaky legs. "Mick-"  
"Don't worry-" He replied.  
"-I'm so sorry-"  
"Callum-"  
"I didn't mean to-"  
"Halfway, just-"  
With another half mumbled apology, Callum bolted from the room, swiftly followed by Ben.  
"Mick, I-"  
"Get the boy 'ome, alright? Don't worry about it." Mick sighed, patting Ben on the shoulder. Ben nodded, then raced after Callum.  
-  
Oop Callum's pov  
-  
Eyes followed him everywhere. They all knew. They all saw right through him. Saw what a coward he was. They saw how weak he was, how much of a fool he'd made of himself. He was pathetic. Couldn't even survive a small fight without having nightmares like a little kid. Just like in the army. Couldn't even handle being a cook in the army without having nightmares. Pathetic. Cowardly. Weak-  
"Callum?"  
-  
Oop end of Callum's pov  
-  
Ben stood behind his boyfriend, calling out his name gently. He'd stumbled down the rest of the stairs, and was now stood in the middle of the Vic, most of the locals watching him with pity and worry. The man flinched and whirled around at his name being called, as if he was waiting for an attack.  
"Hey, it's just me," Ben said softly, approaching Callum. "Let's get home, okay?"  
Callum didn't respond, his gaze focused on the stares of those around him. It felt as though everyone was watching him, judging him for his weakness. Callum felt like he had to watch everyone in the room; they were all there, waiting. Suddenly, Jack was by his side, a hand reaching towards his arm.  
"Maybe you should get home, mate," Jack said carefully. Callum shoved off his arm, searching the room again. Ben came up next to him, taking his hand gently.  
"Come on, Cal."  
-  
"Tea?"  
"Why did you let me fall asleep?"  
Ben sighed, placing the mug on the table in front of Callum. "What?"  
"Why did you let me fall asleep there?" Callum asked, refusing to look at Ben, instead glaring at his own hands.  
"Callum, I know you haven't been sleeping, I'm not an idiot," Ben replied, falling down on the sofa next to Callum. "I don't think I've woken up to you in bed with me since last month."  
"What's that got to do with anything?"  
"You have to talk to me - I know something's going on," Ben sighed, his hand coming to rest on Callum's shoulder. Callum quickly shrugged it off and stood up.  
"I'm fine, Ben," Callum lied. "It's just- my ribs have been sore, is all."  
"So that's why you were asking Keanu to stop, then, in your sleep?"  
Callum froze where he was standing, his back to Ben, and said nothing.  
"Cal, were you having a nightmare?" Ben asked gently.  
"Don't be stupid, Ben, I'm not a kid." Callum's eyes didn't meet Ben's.  
"It ain't just kids that have nightmares, Callum, you are allowed to be scared-"  
"I ain't scared!" Callum shouted, finally turning back to Ben. His eyes were red, and tear tracks made their way down his cheeks like little cracks in the mask of the man that Callum thought he had to be. His hands were shaking by his sides. Ben could tell he was trying desperately to hold himself together, but his walls were slowly breaking. "I'm a soldier, Ben, I'm not supposed to be scared!"  
"You're only human, Callum-"  
"I'm weak- being scared makes you weak, and I'm not- I can't be-" Callum stuttered out. His breathing started to pick up again, and with that, he doubled over, a hand on his ribs.  
"Hey, hey, come on, sit down before you hurt yourself, you doughnut," Ben said, guiding Callum back to the sofa.  
They sat in silence for a while, Ben stroking over Callum's hand gently while his breathing slowed. Callum's eyes remained closed, tears still tracking down his cheeks, unpermitted.  
" I used to- used to get nightmares all the time, when I was a kid," Callum whispered, his eyes trained on his knees. "My dad- he used to say that fear was a weakness. I was having them nightmares 'cause I was weak. I thought that joining the army- I could prove myself to him, ya know? But- when I got out, and I couldn't get it all out my head- I didn't know who to talk to. Whit wouldn'tve understood. S'why I never really said anything, and it started to get better with time, then- with Keanu, and all that I just-"  
"It's okay, you know that right? Your dad was wrong. I know I ain't exactly one to preach about being honest about your emotions-"  
Callum let out a huff of laughter.  
"-but fear ain't a weakness, Callum. It makes you human. And you're allowed to be scared, but you don't have to do it on your own. You can talk to people- talk to me. I want to be able to help you, but I can't if you don't talk to me."  
Callum nodded, gently, squeezing Ben's hand.  
"I love you, Ben Mitchell."  
"I love you too, Callum Highway, you great doughnut."  
-  
That night, Ben sat up in bed, Callum curled up next to him, sound asleep. Ben's fingers stroked gently through Callum's hair, as Ben watched as he slept. Tomorrow, he thought, he'd look into therapy, attempt to broach the subject with a hopefully more subdued Callum - but for tonight, he would let him sleep.

**Author's Note:**

> Shit that took me a while. Anyway, Tony Clay deserves more fuckin attention and if Callum doesn't have a mental health storyline after this kidnapping ordeal, or at least like abandonment issues, I'm going to scream.  
> Anyway enjoy this mess (it's unedited but the longest thing I've ever written so pls appreciate it heh thank u)  
> Leo  
> Come yell at me on tumblr! @artsy-highway


End file.
